The Phrase "The power of positive thinking"
Can go fuck itself.
I get it friends, you're worried about me. You're scared for me. You don't know what to say or how to help me to get through this.
But I'm fucking terrified.
Only 1-2% of the cancer having population in the US gets the cancer I have (though there may be more because of awareness!). Of that, only 30% gets it in their lung.
The mortality rating on a pneumonectomy is 10%.
I'm not happy with the percentages right now. So no. Don't tell me that I can't have a fucking bad day. Don't make me feel like I can't feel any feelings. Don't tell me I can't stress out, or I shouldn't be upset. Because quite frankly? I feel like I'm allowed to have feelings.
I am 23 with cancer. They're taking my entire left lung. THAT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL.
I'm positive about my treatment plans. I'm positive about my doctors. I'm positive that the surgery has been done since 1895, and in one step since 1933. That's amazing. I'm am thrilled about all of these things.
That doesn't make me any less scared.
You making me feel like I can't be scared doesn't help me to feel better. All it does is make me wonder if you are going to be there for me. It doesn't stop the nightmares. It doesn't make me stop thinking terrible scary things. It does make me question my support system... And right now? I can't afford to question that.
So please. Stop asking me to think positively. I would rather hear something like "I'm scared too. But I know you can get through this." Because then you're not invalidating my feelings.
Fuck it, Rebecca, you are fully entitled to be scared shitless. So would I be if I were in your situation. It is totally unfair to be 23 and facing the reality of having cancer and of losing an entire lung to it.
ReplyDeleteSo, yeah. Life sucks. But you don't have to die. My hunch is that you won't. Not now, not anytime soon. And that's basically because I don't want that to happen, and I want you to live until at least your 80's.
I am not a religious person, I do not pray because I don't think that there is a God out there who listens to people's prayers and then picks a chosen few and does what they had asked Him/Her to do. But be assured that you are in my thoughts, vent all you want. And yes, you have every right to be utterly pissed off and very sad and scare about what is happening to you.
Have faith in your doctors and in modern medicine, though. I think that you are in very good hands.