Scare me.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of so many things right now.

I know that I'm most likely going to be okay. And I'm nervous about the surgery... but I'm not entirely scared of that anymore. Maybe. I feel like I have to end everything with "provided I don't die". It's morbid. It makes me scared. My thoughts make me scared.

I'm scared that I won't leave anything behind.
I'm scared that no one will know how much I loved them.
I'm scared that even if they get the tumor... that my life will be cut short.
I'm scared that I haven't done anything in my life worth remembering.
I'm scared that I will be forgotten.
I'm scared to die.

I'm having some dark thoughts today. Sorry.

Good day, Bad day, Douchebag.

I have been a douche recently. I'm snippy with Don and the boys. I'm snarky, and sarcastic. I'm making really morbid jokes. I'm trying to be nicer but it's not working so well. I know people are just trying to help but oh my goodness.

And something else that pisses me off... please stop treating me like I'm some kind of sad sick freakshow.
I still get my ass up and move. I'm stressed yeah. I'm tired... yeah. But I was both stressed and tired pre-diagnosis.

See when I post things to update people. I'm not doing it for pity. Not for an "oh look as the sad cancer girl". I do it because I want to give people an update. Whatever.

Today seems to be going well. Last day at work before my surgery and what not. I'm not too worried. I'm just going to take the time off to get my house together.

Anyone think it's morbid to write out letters to people just in case? You know? Just drop in my last thoughts to them. I mean it's highly unlikely. But in the event that something does go wrong, I want to make sure they have something memorable from me.

Anyways. Sorry this post is all over the place. My brain hasn't quite been able to settle these days.

<3

"The Power of Positive Thinking"

The Phrase "The power of positive thinking"


Can go fuck itself.



I get it friends, you're worried about me. You're scared for me. You don't know what to say or how to help me to get through this.


But I'm fucking terrified.


Only 1-2% of the cancer having population in the US gets the cancer I have (though there may be more because of awareness!). Of that, only 30% gets it in their lung.


The mortality rating on a pneumonectomy is 10%.


I'm not happy with the percentages right now. So no. Don't tell me that I can't have a fucking bad day. Don't make me feel like I can't feel any feelings. Don't tell me I can't stress out, or I shouldn't be upset. Because quite frankly? I feel like I'm allowed to have feelings.


I am 23 with cancer. They're taking my entire left lung. THAT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL.

I'm positive about my treatment plans. I'm positive about my doctors. I'm positive that the surgery has been done since 1895, and in one step since 1933. That's amazing. I'm am thrilled about all of these things.


That doesn't make me any less scared.


You making me feel like I can't be scared doesn't help me to feel better. All it does is make me wonder if you are going to be there for me. It doesn't stop the nightmares. It doesn't make me stop thinking terrible scary things. It does make me question my support system... And right now? I can't afford to question that.

So please. Stop asking me to think positively. I would rather hear something like "I'm scared too. But I know you can get through this." Because then you're not invalidating my feelings.

Feelings

Maybe this is just hitting me really fucking hard.

I'm fucking scared.

I can't stop thinking about the what ifs. And the time waiting for my surgeon to call me back is taking forever. I have so many questions.

Researching makes it worse.

I'm now crying at work. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm trying not to bother too many people with the things I'm feeling because I don't want to feel guilty about feeling all my feelings.










I need a hug.

The Beginning

I've had this cough for a few years since about 2009. Nothing crazy. Mostly thought it was a cold, or a persistent allergy. It didn't really seem to get much better when I took medication though. Doctors told me it was bronchiospasms, bronchitis, pneumonia. They told me it was my weight. Asthma,

Then in 2011 I coughed up a little bit of blood. Just once or twice. Just enough to scare me. But Don had been laid off, and I was working two jobs. I figured it was stress. I had been sick, maybe I just broke a blood vessel coughing. Not unheard of.

Fast forward to May of 2012. Went to the ER for pneumonia. Had X-rays and CT done showing my left lung was partially deflated. No big deal. Follow up with your PCP soon. I was treated for asthma, allergies, consistently on steroids. Still the cough lingered. From May to September, I was treated with a shotgun approach to medications.

In September I went camping with one of my boys. When I came home I was having some chest pain and discomfort. I thought I was having a heart attack. Went to the ER and was given an x-ray and treated, again, for Pneumonia and a partial lung collapse.

This time they had me follow up ASAP with a pulmonologist. By here I was done. I was tired, and I wanted to go to bed for once without hacking in the middle of the night and waking my husband. So I went to see an incredible doctor in my area. He sent me in for a round of tests, and another CT scan.

That CT scan showed that there might be something blocking my airway a bit. Probably just mucous, or a fungal infection or a cyst. Let's go do a bronchoscopy and just take a look down there.

Then they found a mass. Couldn't biopsy because it was bleeding when they brushed it. But they wanted it out. I was sent to a thoracic surgeon to get the evil thing out.

When I met with him I was met with the wonderful (sarcasm) news that it was cancer. Neuroendocrine carcinoma. Low grade, which means low malignancy. Low chance of malignancy and the tumor metastasizing. Low chance that someone would even get this cancer to begin with.

I'm not playing those odds.

They're taking my entire left lung out on November 5th 2012. The cancer is in the main stem bronchial tube on the left side. Completely blocking the lower left and mostly blocking the upper left. It's descended down into my left lung.

I am scared to fucking death. But I am going to continue on. This is my journey, my story.

I will be a survivor.