Erm... follow my new blog now!

So this is me, about 3 years out. I'm doing really, really well!

So follow me on my new blog, where I not only dish about my extremely personal cancer stuff, but I also talk in depth about my partners. YAY!

www.friskyfairy.com

So I'm alive.

I'm alive. And I'm good. I guess.

Maybe I'm hitting a weird point. But I've been feeling a little bitter. Bitter about the fact that while my friends were getting married, pregnant, new jobs, and degrees, I was trying to figure out why I couldn't breathe.

Only to find out it was cancer.

Maybe I'm frustrated. Maybe I'm hurting because I still feel like there's a long road ahead despite the cancer being gone, and the lung being out.

I'm just tired of always having to fight for everything and never getting anything.

Last day kids

Maybe it's weird that I'm not afraid of the cancer? I don't know. I just think that the cancer part is something I can tangibly accept. I can understand that I have cancer, and that there is a way to treat it. I can't say the same for this surgery. There are too many unknowns. Maybe that's what scares me. I'm a silly thing.

My boys tell me I'll be fine. That I'll do great. And I love them dearly. But my gods it reminds me how little time we actually have.

Make every moment count people. Tell the person you love that you love them. Never be afraid to be nice, kind, helpful. I know how easy it is to let that fall by the wayside. You're scared to tell people how you feel. You are afraid of their reaction. You take people for granted, but you don't mean to. No one really does. Don't let fear run your life. Take those big risks, because if nothing else... you LEARN from them. and honestly... LEARN. FROM. THEM. Always listen to music. Let yourself feel silly every once in awhile. Dance. Like a maniac. Sing like you're a rockstar. And love. My gods love. Spread your love. Just... love!

Don't get me wrong guys... I don't *think* I'm going to die. No more than I think a plane is actually going to crash while I'm on it. That doesn't stop me from being a panicky terror every time I get on a damn plane.

Guys...I've got 20 hours before I have to be at the hospital for a life altering surgery. I'm really scared. I really...I don't even know.

What I do know is this. I love my husband. I love my boys (Dedrick, Jake, Peter). I love my best friends (Natalie, Shayla, Bekah). I love my family. I love my cats. And chances are if you're reading this... I probably love you too. I have all this love to give... and that won't change after my surgery. I will actually probably love MORE after my surgery. My point is that if I have all this love to give, what are you waiting for?

See you soon <3

Scare me.

I'm scared.

I'm scared of so many things right now.

I know that I'm most likely going to be okay. And I'm nervous about the surgery... but I'm not entirely scared of that anymore. Maybe. I feel like I have to end everything with "provided I don't die". It's morbid. It makes me scared. My thoughts make me scared.

I'm scared that I won't leave anything behind.
I'm scared that no one will know how much I loved them.
I'm scared that even if they get the tumor... that my life will be cut short.
I'm scared that I haven't done anything in my life worth remembering.
I'm scared that I will be forgotten.
I'm scared to die.

I'm having some dark thoughts today. Sorry.

Good day, Bad day, Douchebag.

I have been a douche recently. I'm snippy with Don and the boys. I'm snarky, and sarcastic. I'm making really morbid jokes. I'm trying to be nicer but it's not working so well. I know people are just trying to help but oh my goodness.

And something else that pisses me off... please stop treating me like I'm some kind of sad sick freakshow.
I still get my ass up and move. I'm stressed yeah. I'm tired... yeah. But I was both stressed and tired pre-diagnosis.

See when I post things to update people. I'm not doing it for pity. Not for an "oh look as the sad cancer girl". I do it because I want to give people an update. Whatever.

Today seems to be going well. Last day at work before my surgery and what not. I'm not too worried. I'm just going to take the time off to get my house together.

Anyone think it's morbid to write out letters to people just in case? You know? Just drop in my last thoughts to them. I mean it's highly unlikely. But in the event that something does go wrong, I want to make sure they have something memorable from me.

Anyways. Sorry this post is all over the place. My brain hasn't quite been able to settle these days.

<3

"The Power of Positive Thinking"

The Phrase "The power of positive thinking"


Can go fuck itself.



I get it friends, you're worried about me. You're scared for me. You don't know what to say or how to help me to get through this.


But I'm fucking terrified.


Only 1-2% of the cancer having population in the US gets the cancer I have (though there may be more because of awareness!). Of that, only 30% gets it in their lung.


The mortality rating on a pneumonectomy is 10%.


I'm not happy with the percentages right now. So no. Don't tell me that I can't have a fucking bad day. Don't make me feel like I can't feel any feelings. Don't tell me I can't stress out, or I shouldn't be upset. Because quite frankly? I feel like I'm allowed to have feelings.


I am 23 with cancer. They're taking my entire left lung. THAT'S A BIG FUCKING DEAL.

I'm positive about my treatment plans. I'm positive about my doctors. I'm positive that the surgery has been done since 1895, and in one step since 1933. That's amazing. I'm am thrilled about all of these things.


That doesn't make me any less scared.


You making me feel like I can't be scared doesn't help me to feel better. All it does is make me wonder if you are going to be there for me. It doesn't stop the nightmares. It doesn't make me stop thinking terrible scary things. It does make me question my support system... And right now? I can't afford to question that.

So please. Stop asking me to think positively. I would rather hear something like "I'm scared too. But I know you can get through this." Because then you're not invalidating my feelings.

Feelings

Maybe this is just hitting me really fucking hard.

I'm fucking scared.

I can't stop thinking about the what ifs. And the time waiting for my surgeon to call me back is taking forever. I have so many questions.

Researching makes it worse.

I'm now crying at work. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm trying not to bother too many people with the things I'm feeling because I don't want to feel guilty about feeling all my feelings.










I need a hug.